"Dear Lorena, My ex girlfriend of 3 and a half years used to tell me she loved me. She even pushed me to ask her to marry her. But at the same time she cheated on me both sexually and emotionally, including incidents that I witnessed. I'm devastated and scared of other women now and its affecting me meeting someone new. How do I overcome the fear of commitment and intimacy that this has caused?"
Dear Fearful, its perfectly normal to be scared to get involved with other people after something so awful happened to you. You have every right to be scared and the only thing that can really help is time. You need to remember a few things though. First up, this is HER fault. She is an awful person and insecure about herself, cheaters often do what they do because they feel like they're not worth enough to stay with just the one person. Don't blame yourself or feel like you're any less of a person. Its nothing to do with you at all. Cheating is a form of emotional abuse and can be quite damaging to a person and you should never be afraid to speak to someone about it. Especially if you witnessed her cheating on you.
Good ways to help yourself get over something like this do NOT include becoming a shut in and not talking to women. Get out there! Go out with your friends, talk to women. You don't need to throw yourself back into a committed relationship straight away, but talking with nice women and associating with good people can renew your faith in humanity.
Get out of your head, take a break and go on a trip. It doesn't need to be anything crazy, but just having some fun out of your usual surroundings can help you get your mind off it. Take up some sort of physical activity, the serotonin will help you look on the bright side! Or if it gets too much, don't be afraid to talk to someone neutral. Your parents, other family members or counselors can help. Its not 'weak' to seek professional help and you don't need to be crazy. It just helps to get a fresh perspective on the situation and you'll feel better that you're no longer with them.
Its okay to get angry. Turn up your angry music and jump on your bed. Don't be angry at yourself. Be angry at them. Sing loudly and write angry letters to them(don't send them, just throw them out). Talk to your close friends about it. You need support and friends are great for that. Throw out all her stuff, photos of you two together, everything. Cleansing yourself of her presence will stop things reminding you of her. Even if you are over HER, the memories can remind you of what happened and make you feel crappy.
Don't be spiteful. Spreading rumors is weak and when you get found out people will favor the other person. If they're spreading rumors about you, just ignore them. People will see her for what she really is soon enough.
Above all. Remember, be strong. She's the weak one here. After all, she is the one who couldn't keep it in her pants.
There are girls out there who will see how amazing you really are and treat you the way you should be treated. You just gotta find them. Don't waste your precious time fretting. You're a great guy, and someone will see that in you and love you for it.
xo-xo
Good ways to help yourself get over something like this do NOT include becoming a shut in and not talking to women. Get out there! Go out with your friends, talk to women. You don't need to throw yourself back into a committed relationship straight away, but talking with nice women and associating with good people can renew your faith in humanity.
Get out of your head, take a break and go on a trip. It doesn't need to be anything crazy, but just having some fun out of your usual surroundings can help you get your mind off it. Take up some sort of physical activity, the serotonin will help you look on the bright side! Or if it gets too much, don't be afraid to talk to someone neutral. Your parents, other family members or counselors can help. Its not 'weak' to seek professional help and you don't need to be crazy. It just helps to get a fresh perspective on the situation and you'll feel better that you're no longer with them.
Its okay to get angry. Turn up your angry music and jump on your bed. Don't be angry at yourself. Be angry at them. Sing loudly and write angry letters to them(don't send them, just throw them out). Talk to your close friends about it. You need support and friends are great for that. Throw out all her stuff, photos of you two together, everything. Cleansing yourself of her presence will stop things reminding you of her. Even if you are over HER, the memories can remind you of what happened and make you feel crappy.
Don't be spiteful. Spreading rumors is weak and when you get found out people will favor the other person. If they're spreading rumors about you, just ignore them. People will see her for what she really is soon enough.
Above all. Remember, be strong. She's the weak one here. After all, she is the one who couldn't keep it in her pants.
There are girls out there who will see how amazing you really are and treat you the way you should be treated. You just gotta find them. Don't waste your precious time fretting. You're a great guy, and someone will see that in you and love you for it.
xo-xo
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