Losing

Losing people is hard. Losing people you care about more-so. No matter what you do, you feel like its the end of the world. And no matter how many old friends you see and how many new ones you make they are never the same.

I, am currently dealing with losing my 2 best friends to moving interstate. I am terrified I will never see them again or that we will somehow lose contact. I try and make it hurt less by going out constantly and trying to have fun. But when I lie in bed before I go to sleep, I think about them. I wonder what they're doing now I'm not there. Who they're hanging out with instead. How their days went and wish I could have gotten coffee with them and catch up.

After all is said and done, some things cant be helped. I know with my situation it cant at least. Things aren't going the way I always wanted them to. They've turned around and I feel like I'm walking backwards in a crowd of people moving forwards. Worst feeling ever. Some days all you can do is lie in bed and ignore your phone. Though I know I will be back in Melbourne soon, it doesn't feel like soon enough. And I worry that they will move on without me.

The other thing that hurts. Losing the one you love. He's back in Melbourne now. We never really defined what or who were were to each other. But it worked. A whole year of ups and downs and I couldn't think of anyone I'd rather have ridden that roller coaster with than him. He saved me so many times, and I like to think I was there when he needed it. He was everything I ever wanted in a man and I found him perfect in every way. I have never felt safer then when embraced in his arms. We could talk about everything and we knew what each other wanted. I know I cant drag relationships around the country with me so in my heart I know I have to let go. It whispers one more night of loving him, and I cant say 'no'. On night turns into five and five turns into forever. And even though you can meet someone else, you always come back and compare. And it always feels like you're downgrading. So you walk away and resent yourself for being so judgemental, for not trying harder to move on. But then you remember him. And cry.

When i look back on the year I spent in Melbourne and think of all that I did I get jealous of the past. Everything was perfect. Everything was coming up my way for once. I had the house, the dogs, the man, the friends, the job and the attitude. Now back here, sleeping on a spare bed in my parents dining room I feel like it was all a dream and wonder if it will ever come true and if I'll ever be that way again. I know in my heart its possible. But I always think about how far I've come and how much it took to become that person. It feels like an Everest has just been thrown in front of me and I have to start all over again.

I swear to myself I'll be back. I hope and wish and pray that day will come soon. Its so exhausting being someone I feel I grew out of years ago. I want to be that savvy woman again. That girl that got things done. Being in this city doesn't allow it though. The people, the places, everything here is like a time warp. Even my close friends here are trying to get me back to the way things were. And I love them and I have fun. But there is only so long you can chant "no regrets" before you actually regret something.

My heart goes out to all the people who have ever lost anyone. Even themselves.

And to my beloved friends, I love and miss you guys so much and I hope you know that.

I'm lost without you.

xo-xo